Dear Congress,
The next time we have a crisis, manufactured by twits and egomaniacal morons or otherwise, I urge you to observe basic CPR protocol. The steps are as follows.
1) Secure the scene.
That means make sure that by remaining there to help, you are not putting yourself in danger, and the area is not exposed to further danger. Put out the fire, then treat the victim. Turn on your emergency lights so oncoming traffic can see you. Send Eric Cantor on a self-guided tour of the bottom of the Potomac.
2) Check the victim
Do what needs to be done immediately to keep the victim from dying before help can arrive. Apply pressure to a wound, start the ABCs (Airway, breathing, compression), raise the goddamn debt ceiling.
3) Call for help/ Call 9-1-1
Tell somebody else to go get help, or whip our their magical pocket telephonic device and call 911. They need to be calm, and able to hand over the pertinent details about the scene so the EMTs et al can prepare appropriately. That might look something like a call to action in the home districts of your idiotic freshmen class, to have their constituents ask why the new kids want to stomp their way through a fragile global economy.
Once the patient is at the hospital and stable, having had a heart attack and survived it, that’s when you start talking about lifestyle changes such as getting more exercise and adopting a low-sodium diet. The order is rather important. If you start with the interventional conversation, you’ll both get mauled by bears, and the victim will be dead before the paramedics arrive.
Sincerely,
Anaea “why is the world run by children?” Lay
Anaea Lay 