I am not a trained neurosurgeon. In fact, I have virtually no formal training about how the brain works. But a background in cognitive linguistics has to count for something, so relax. Take a deep breath. I’m strapping you to this table for your own good. This is just a tiny experiment, I just want to see what’s going to happen, and if you aren’t strapped down you might wiggle and I could slip and that might hurt you. You don’t want me to hurt you, do you?
That? Oh, don’t mind that. That’s just what it feels like to have a saw cutting into your skull. Nothing to worry about. I anesthetized your scalp and everybody knows there are no pain receptors in the brain. Yeah, I hear it feels really weird to have a saw going through your skull. This will just be a sec, I swear. There’s just this one part of your brain I really want to poke, and when I do, it’ll all be over.
You’d rather I didn’t poke your brain? But this is for science! You can’t really mean that. You seem perfectly content to me.
There. That’s the top of your skull off. My, what a pretty brain you have. Look at those creases. Oh, and there’s the spot I want to poke. Don’t worry; I was once in the room while John Scalzi ate a jell-o brain. Let me just get my probe and…there.
Oh, it worked! You’re laughing. I tickled you by stimulating your brain! Let me do it again. You like that, don’t you? See, this was fun. I knew those were just token protests and you’d come around to my way of thinking. Here, I’ll make you laugh some more. Doesn’t that feel good?
What do you mean you still don’t want me to do this? You’re laughing. And, hey, it’s not like you’re going to get pregnant.
Anaea Lay 