Lies for Fun and Profit: Helena Bell

If you’ve ever asked yourself what would happen when a lawyer-poet has too much Star Trek on the brain, you could do worse than reading All the Young Kirks and their Good Intentions.  If you want somebody to tell you fabulous lies, you could do worse than asking Helena Bell.  She took rhythm into consideration when writing her answers.  One of her answers was lovingly culled from a spam-bots attempt at communication.  You want to read this interview.

What made you want to become a writer?

No one wanted to hire me as a ballerina.

You’re in law school currently.  How do you balance that work load with your writing time?

Well contrary to popular belief, law school requires absolutely no work at all.  Most mornings I sleep in until my butler (provided by the school) demands that I go feed my flying pony (George, that’s the butler, is a bit scared of the wings).  I then spend the afternoon discussing the finer points of quail hunting with whatever foreign dignitaries the school has flown in to teach us how to ruin–err, run–the world with minimal effort.
The schedule may be a bit tight on some days, but fortunately writing requires even less work so it all evens out in the end.

If you could go back in time to talk to your younger self, what writing advice would you give?

Sleep on a sidewalk for six months in order to be the first person to see ‘The Phantom Menace.’  It’s totally worth the wait.

Speaking of the polar bear crisis, I hear that some critics claim that your work is unsuitable for those once living or dead.  How do you respond?

Post hoc, ergo propter hoc.

What’s the most critical element of your writing routine?

Since the total pressure of a mixture of gases is equal to the sum of the pressures that would be exerted by each of those gases if it alone were present and occupied the volume, I find it’s crucial to be certain you are insulting as many people as possible in as many different ways as possible.  Religions are institutions created by man afterall, so if Gaston wants to permission to attend the funeral for I am not sure whether his father is in Paris.  Usually the insole is made by EVA, the sale of MBT shoes, so for basic tasks, you can clean with the development of rubber and with stubborn stains, you can use a soft brush and netural detergent to scrub.3.

What’s the most challenging thing about being a writer?

The bees.

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