Lies for Fun and Profit: Vylar Kaftan

Vylar Kaftan is, no lie, one of the classiest ladies I know.  She’s not just multiply-published, highly nominated writer of awesome, or the person responsible for my current career aspiration of becoming the cream frosting in a thing, but the founder of FogCon.  My first time as WisCon she just sorta grabbed me and started introducing me to people which was kinda neat, because she knows tons of cool people and I knew, er, well, I’m awesome.

Anyway, I lobbed some really boring questions at Vylar, and she responded splendidly.  So let’s take a look at her lies, and maybe put her to work in the comments demanding more.

What is the coolest part of being a writer?

Having searing lasers burn out from my eyes, leveling everything in my path.

What rituals or routines do you have around your writing process?

Oh, I’m so glad you asked.

One of them involves carving bloody runes into the soiled bodies of my enemies.  My enemies include Ziploc baggies, delicious cake, and interviewers who ask more than three questions.

Another is a practice I call “self-loving,” which takes place in the mornings, in grocery store lines, and on public transit.  It usually involves a Nintendo DS or a Sony e-reader.My favorite routine is to break into famous people’s houses and steal their dreams.

How much research do you do before writing a story?

Usually research just gets in the way of things.  Research, schmesearch!  (Schmesearch is another name for German Google.)  Generally it’s better to just make up details about things like other people’s religions, cultures, and moral fiber.

When I do need research, I find anonymous threads on the Internet and I post my questions there.  I usually phrase them in a firm, authoritative voice and pay great attention to personal detail.  After all, I know better than the other posters, so it’s my responsibility to help them make the best possible choices about their lives.  Useful phrases include:  “You should,” “Obviously the answer is,” and “Anyone with a brain would…”  This usually results in extremely happy people who contribute greatly to my research efforts.  They are delighted when I provide them emailed links to my works without even having to ask.

How do you juggle being a wife, a writer, a con runner, and a full time badass?

It is in fact difficult to compress all this awesomeness into one Vylar-sized package.  However, I have a few secret techniques.

a) I can smite the unworthy with a glance.  I mean, eventually.  Some worthy people will probably die too.  Eventually.

b) I survived the 1918 flu epidemic.  Not only did I survive it, I mastered it.  I carry the ultimate antibodies in my body, which I will deploy ruthlessly when needed.

c) I can paint a single molecule with racing stripes, enabling it to transform into its Japanese fighting robot form.

Being a wife is usually delegated to my stunt wives.

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