Anaea the Green?

I don’t care about global warming. It’s there, it sucks, it’s too late to fix it my lifetime so I’ll just keep moving north and leave other people’s kids to worry about it. At the same time I’ve been a huge fan of oil alternatives etc., for years, not because I care about global warming but because resource shortages cause wars and make essential resources expensive. I’d much rather have a moderate upfront cost for solar panels and then never pay an electric bill than watch my bills double and triple every few years because I’m on the wrong side of the supply and demand curve. My biggest peeve with the environmentalist movement has always been that they’re arguing it wrong. Very, very few people care about the environment qua environment except when it comes to making their latte-sipping buddies feel inadequate. They do care about themselves and their wallets and you’d get them on your bandwagon in a jiffy if you’d present it that way. You don’t even have to lie because, as I realize every time I have a hair-brained idea that runs me face-first into the environmental movement, it’s true. (Don’t get me started on my summer of trying to figure out getting an electric car I could afford and which would survive a Wisconsin winter. It wasn’t pretty)

For example, I’ve been researching gardening in Wisconsin and grass alternatives for yards. Why? Because I don’t like dirt, bugs, heat, sunlight, or physical labor and I’m about to have a yard. This is one of those, “I’ll do a lot of work upfront when I’m feeling enthusiastic if it means little to no work later,” situations. Based on feedback I was getting from realtors and relatives I was under the impression that 1) nobody else does this, they all bow to the lawn mowing gods and 2) my neighbors will hate me because I’ll tank their property values when I have a yard consisting of wood chips and sand. So I go onto the internet hoping that the one nut-job in Minnesota who had this idea before me posted it on the internet so I can steal it. What did I find?

Xeriscaping. It’s the hot new trend in environmental saviness to go alongside your carbon offset bumper-sticker on your Prius. These are people planting things that cover the ground, stay low to it, and don’t require watering, fertilizing, pesticiding or weeding because it’s better for the environment. So not only are there tons of resources for lazy anti-gardening bums who want yards like me, I get to out snob any potentially grumpy neighbors by explaining that I’m doing it to prevent soil erosion and preserve water resources. I’m going to go hug a tree now.

P.S. By the way, I am firmly opposed to the extinction of pandas. They still need to be around for when I become a world famous writer and visit China.