I told people I was going to have a business review meeting where I wore all my different hats and gave performance reviews. And I mentioned how none of my hats were very happy with my other hats. There was a request for the minutes. Here they are.
Anaea Lay, Business Manager (Real Estate)
Anaea Lay, Realtor
Anaea Lay, Chief Executive Officer
Anaea Lay, Hobby Keeper
ALB: We’ve already completed over 16% more transactions this year over all of last year, with a total revenue so far this year equal to last year’s total gross. Hiring of additional staff has increased operating expenses but projected increased revenue should more than cover that. Additionally, we’re trimming marketing expenses that no longer perform sufficiently.
ALCEO: Excellent. Are there any major revisions to the projections developed at the December meeting?
ALB: No. At our current rate we’d exceed projections through the end of the year, but we’re expecting a taper in the market beginning in late June and, of course, there will be an extreme taper in October due to the structural overhaul in the business.
ALHK: You’ll all appreciate me more then, won’t you?
ALCEO: Let’s move on to the next item on the agenda – Performance Reviews.
ALR: Good. I have complaints.
ALCEO: Shut-up. You’re in trouble.
ALR: I’m in trouble? It’s not even June yet and I’ve already done more work this year than I did last year. I’m tired. I’m cranky. If things don’t shape up around here, I’m coming after you for running an abusive work environment.
ALB: You have nothing to complain about. We’ve made significant investments in your hardware and work environment which were not in the budget projections from last year.
ALR: Whose fault is that? It’s not like we didn’t know a ten inch netbook wouldn’t be reliable forever.
ALB: And you’ve been slack in your basic duties.
ALR: (Pause for stunned, infuriated silence) I’ve been slack? Were you listening to yourself when you were talking earlier? I’ve been performing like a champ. I’m a fucking nerdy real estate god. I’m converting leads, closing deals, and satisfying customers phenomenally well, with cat jokes and references to Cthulhu the whole way.
ALB: You haven’t had an open house since March.
ALR: I’ve been busy on Sundays.
ALB: Open houses are a cornerstone of our client prospecting strategy. Moreover, you like doing them. You just haven’t. Since March. We’re in the middle of peak open house season, and you’re not doing them.
ALR: Are you shitting me? I haven’t been doing them because I’ve been out with clients. Multiple clients. Am I the only one who remembers three-client Sunday? Probably, since IT WAS EASTER. Two of them wrote offers.
ALB: If we don’t prospect for new clients, we’re depending on chance and Zillow for new clients. We do not have enough clients in play to meet our optimistic projections, so prospecting is essential if we’re going to survive the infrastructure transition. And open houses are only part of it. You’ve dropped your Craigslist postings, too.
ALHK: About the transition, I have pertinent information.
AL CEO, B, and R: Shut-up.
ALR: You know, I’m not the only one you have on staff. Maybe you should work on those delegating skills you claim you have and give that “additional staff,” something to do.
ALB: I suppose that’s a fair suggestion.
ALR: And while you’re at it, maybe some time off, ever. I’m a little burned on this 24/7 thing. We’re not really in start-up mode anymore, so I think it’s time we stopped treating me like slave labor.
ALB: You are constantly asking for time off. You are one constant stream of, “Oooh, I’m going to take Wednesday afternoon off. Hey, I’m taking Friday off to read. Yeah, Sunday’s getting spent cooking and doing yard work!”
ALR: Do any of those things actually happen?
ALCEO: I think what B is trying to say is that you whine a lot. We’re tired of hearing you whine.
ALR: I’m not whining. I want more than a day off a month.
ALCEO: It says here you took a whole week off in April.
ALB: You did. We had to hire staff to cover that.
ALR: That was a week away, not off. I navigated a bunk appraisal, mentored the new staff, and taught a buyer’s agent how the financing and appraisal contingencies work on the paperwork that got updated four years ago.
ALB: She’s whining again.
ALHK: Can I speak now? I really think you guys should let me speak.
ALB: What do you even do?
ALHK: I take care of all the things we do that aren’t day job things but involve money. Remember, you gave me a mandate that all hobbies had to start paying for themselves or get axed.
ALCEO: Oh yeah. How’s that going?
ALHK: Pretty well, actually. We’re officially getting paid to read. This is supplementing the vice-fund when writing income doesn’t keep up with our non-grocery food and beverage consumption.
ALB: Still no chance of kicking the bubble tea habit?
AL CEO, HK, R: NO
ALB: Just asking…jeez
ALHK: Also, the voice acting has started to pay.
ALB: Speaking of hardware investment, we just spent significantly more in recording equipment than we’ve seen in voice acting income.
ALHK: The difference can come out of the vice-fund. It has a surplus. And the equipment upgrade will make it easier to get more paid work. In fact, we’ve had a few feelers coming in that indicate the voice work might be able to contribute to the expenses of the impending infrastructure overhaul.
ALB: Say what?
ALHK: It’s nothing solid, but we might get a thing over the summer which would cover a significant portion of the expenses associated with that.
ALCEO: That’s fantastic! Why didn’t you say something earlier?
ALHK: Excuse me?
ALR: They’re fucks, aren’t they?
ALCEO: You’re the one in charge of making money off strangers, and the one with the filthy mouth? I don’t think we did this personality division optimally.
ALR: I went into the office three times this week. You’d have a filthy fucking mouth, too.
ALCEO: Are there any agenda items left?
ALR: Yes there are. We haven’t actually fixed my time off problem.
ALB: Yes we did. We’re relocating your problematic performance areas to the new staff’s job duties and you’ll quit whining.
ALR: The only thing that actually changes is that I stop asking for things to improve.
ALB: So? If you wanted to escape sadistic management, self-employment was not the way to go. Have you met you?
ALR: We’re blaming the victim now?
ALCEO: That is a thing we do.
ALHK: I think she should get more time off, too. I’m kinda suffocating on just her dregs over here. I get that I’m just the vice-fund, but let’s face it, we’re made of vices. I’m important. Also, wear her out enough and she’ll start solving problems with homicide, and that’s really expensive.
ALB: True. We don’t have enough flexibility in our budget, even if we meet the optimistic projections, to afford homicide.
ALCEO: It’s three-to-one now?
Nods from all the hats
ALCEO: Fine. You can flag three days a week for potential days off. Schedule showings accordingly. Real estate work that takes less than an hour does not invalidate its status as a day off, though. Aim for one day, or three half days, off per week. Fair?
ALR: Behavior like this is why we’re afraid of labor uprisings.
ALHK: Oh come on. You wouldn’t know what to do with yourself if you regularly had a proper weekend.
ALR: I could learn.
Glares from all hats.
ALR: I’ll take it. It just isn’t fair. (Muttering) My boss sucks.
ALCEO: Okay then. This meeting is adjourned. We’ll reconvene in late August to plan the structural overhaul.